to balance
in between the worlds

enough to fall
into the who of I am

enough to glance
and look beyond the me of self

a minute ago pale skinned
large thighed
fat

now through the stillness of me
I see her

flexible graceful beauty
efficient and precise

a sure-footed warrior
waging battle
in a blind world

hello bottle, hello closet
my friends
I am happy you are still here
right where I left you

nestled in an old box
filled with photos, a yearbook
someone else’s
yellowed love letters

for all the momentum
youth’s exuberant trajectory
wet with promise
things were supposed to be different

am I a good man?
or bad?
too little?
too much?

if only sun was warmer
or the sky lower
if I were different –
different than I always will be

I would not need you
to be so much more
than just a bottle
and just a closet

a floater

imagine a horse in the sun
running white with bold flanks
perspiring rivulets of jazz licks

rippling with grammar
an entomology lost to time
Cleopatra could not have done better

we’re all prospectors
dreaming of time
in the shadows of dreams

dreamt by others who have no idea
how hungrily we devour their entrails

reality was lurking
in the corner
of my eye

there’s a blind spot
where it thought
I wasn’t looking

I could see it
blinking in and out
of existence

in… out
in… out
here… not here

I realized
whereas I thought
I was here to learn about it

in reality
it was here… not here
to learn about me

we laughed
reality and I
here… not here

here… not…

I will need to love something
Enough to lose my life

Step 2: I Will

Step 3: I Am

when pushed
our natural impulse
is to push back

how long have we been pushing?
back and forth
hard and soft
poke and prod
push and shove

all these years
I thought you were pushing
me
away
with your anger
your demands
your pain

but I’ve been pushing too
pushing quiet
pushing loud
pushing passive
in my own pushy pushy way

and after all this pushing
no one knows who pushed first
or who pushed back
or why

we’ve pushed each other
so far away
that neither of us
can reach
to push each other
one last time